March 2020. No one knew what was happening, or what was going to happen. Schools, offices, markets, cafes, banks, and even grocery stores closed. Suddenly, we all were “trapped” in our homes. Surprisingly, as my personal experience went, we started bonding and found ways to enjoy inside the four walls of our home during those lock down days. We found whatever grocery was available and found inspiration to bake, paint and what not. We thought it’s just a matter of a fortnight, and it will pass as one funny incident in our lives. Things didn't go as imagined and I will not go into the details of it, but our world, as we knew it then, turned around and never came back to where it was.
Anxiety and depression work hand in hand for me and often have me wishing that everything goes still for sometime, so that I can process what’s happening around me and inside me. Everything and everyone around us had been moving so fast - degrees being earned, jobs being changed, cities being changed, people being changed - and you, in your bubble of depression, helplessly looking around, hoping it all to stop for just one second so you can make sense of it all and maybe, just maybe for once, CATCH UP.
So, for those Lockdown days, the clueless and hopeless me, sadistically felt calm for just one second. For just one second, I knew that everyone was just where I left them, and I was where they left me. Nothing would change, for just one second. And in that one second, I did things I never thought I could - picked up the paint brush, and got my oven mitts on, to create and bake things from scratch.
Unfortunately, the lockdown got over, things started moving, and moved far too much. The changes that followed were unimaginable, hurtful and just, validated all my insecurities and hopelessness. Every fear I ever had materialized, every nightmare came true, and slowly, everyone moved on, and left me, once again, exactly where I was, but never wanted to be.
Such moments give us a deeper look on what really matters, who really matters, and for whom you matter. Such times reveal the true nature, real priorities, loyalty, trustworthiness and test the real strength of every bond you have. The results, very sadly, are majorly disappointing. We are all too lost, too far away from the path, too busy running after the wrong things and wrong people, too busy prioritizing everything material, and too ignorant of compassion, sympathy, love, friendships and everything that makes life worth living.
For instance, I always used to be the designated go-to-person in my friends’ group. I was the glue holding the group together. I was the one who stayed in one place, while others moved from one city to another, waiting for them to come back, always hoping friendship will ultimately win over the distances. I was the person who always tried to be there for others, cried when my friends faced something unfortunate, forgot all bitterness and offered a shoulder to cry on, no matter what. At my worst, I expected equal dedication and support from all of them, forgetting for a moment that my world coming to a standstill doesn’t mean others will stop too.
My worsening anxiety and ever increasing depression scared friends and family away. This past year completely changed how others viewed me and how I viewed myself. I always thought that everyone would be there for me, merely because I was there for them when they needed me. It filtered out people from my life - I am still debating with myself whether it was for the best or not. The biggest lesson I have learnt is that it’s not fair to expect the same level of dedication from others towards you, as you have for them. At the end, everyone simply moves on and the bubble you had for yourself, gets bigger and heavier. You cannot escape, you cannot push the bubble around, and on the outside, there remains no one to pull you out of it.
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