Feelings. This word has started to sound like a taboo. Since when is it wrong to feel things? People say “ignore it”, “don’t think about it”, “don’t take it seriously”, “don’t be hurt”, Just. Don’t. Indifference is the new swag and “it’s cool” is the new language of indifference. Now we know what Linkin Park meant when they said:
“I've become so numb
I can't feel you there”
We have reached the point where we prefer a state of numbness. Numbness is okay and even feels great. But, what happens when the effect wears off? The Feelings Flood. All that the dam of “numbness” was holding back comes rushing in. Suddenly, you start to feel everything at once. Guilt, shame, anger, irritation, hopelessness, helplessness and the worst one for me - OVERTHINKING. Personally, it’s a paradox - I was fine just two days ago and now it is all back? The moment it floods people who had settled in your life flee for their lives. Noone wants to hear you talk about your “FEELINGS”. Infact, they tell you it’s wrong to feel whatever you are feeling. Well then even you feel ashamed for feeling and not being able to hold your fort. The truth is: the feelings never left, only detoured. If that’s the case then what even is the point of these temporary solutions? Why is numbness a preferred state than actually feeling your emotions?
This leads to the failure of a very important pillar of our lives - relationships. Currently I am very confused as to whether I should invest in close relationships or detach myself from even the existing ones.I grew up thinking that everything in life is temporary, except for our people. I believed there can only be additions to this set and not a single subtraction. Recent experiences have taught me that my beliefs have not exactly been rational. People change, can be replaced, can choose to not be a part of your life or can, in extreme circumstances, involuntarily leave you. As a consequence, relationships, priorities and preferences alter. These realisations always leave me shocked, hurt and confused because they are in absolute conflict with my beliefs. The only wise thing left to do then, in the exact words of my therapist, is to tweak your beliefs. A tough job, requiring one to unlearn what you knew and learn what the new experience is trying to teach you. It’s like having to re-write the most complex algorithms and codes so that the operating system (life) does not crash.
One very important consequence of such changes is the change in our perception and treatment of self. For example: a loved one not giving you as much care and attention as before can make you feel unworthy of love. Which then creates a lack of self-love, further making people like you less because no one loves a person who doesn't exercise self-love. Once again we are at square one where we feel a lack of love and attention. This is the most vicious VICIOUS CIRCLE one can face. Once trapped in this circle, loneliness and isolation becomes the only option - instead of a choice. The closer the relationship (be it family, friends or a romantic one), the bigger the heartbreak. So you take a step back, retreat into your corner and let the circle consume you.
As a teenager (or maybe till I was in my early 20s, damn!), of three things I was absolutely sure. First, I was a fan of romance. Second, I was in love with the idea of love. Third, all I wanted was a person’s unconditional and irrevocable love (Okay fine, an 108 year old vampire). My belief sprang from the rom-coms I watched or read and the insecurities I had about myself. “Edward Cullen”, “Bunny from YJHD”, and ofcourse, “Mr. Darcy” were supposed to “save me” with all the love, care & attention I would get. At the end it would have been a “happily ever after”. So, yeah, when reality hit, I was at therapy being advised to start tweaking my beliefs. Fair enough.
As I am trying to adapt to these changes, there are a few philosophical dilemmas originating from all the introspection (or overthinking??!):
If everyone is expected to believe their own companionship is what’s best for them, then why even do we have more than 7 billion people on this planet?? Only to bring upon the ultimate destruction of the world as we know it?
Is the objective of having 7 billion people to tell each other to live happily in their own lives as they live happily in theirs?
What is the point of all humans racing to achieve something in their lives if the most important thing - emotions - is going to lose?
What is the point of friendships, families, attachments and all the time we invest in them if ultimately everyone is expected to mind their own business and happiness?
If relationships are temporary and everyone is going to change and leave one day, why do they form attachments and become an important part of someone’s life? So that people who do not partake in the race and choose to invest in emotions and relationships are left with nothing but an unfillable void?
When after being hurt and called out for being an emotional fool a person retreats and forces oneself to learn self-reliance, why do people use that as an added excuse to avoid interaction? I mean, what hypocrisy is this?
That is why I said that I am very confused as to whether I should invest in forming new relationships or detach myself from existing ones. In both cases, it is me who is going to end up hurt and lonely. There is nothing but the vicious circle giving me company 24*7 - “I don’t deserve love”, “I am incapable of giving and receiving love”, “Maybe I am doing something really wrong” and so on.
For a person whose core beliefs centre around relationships, emotions and constancy, it can be very overwhelming to enforce an indifferent attitude. It’s very unpleasant and causes a lot of anxiety and guilt, believe me. But it’s the last resort to protect oneself and others from you because it does sometimes reach that level. These opinions may sound too extreme to a rational person. But they keep my anxious mind running a marathon every single day. It’s exhausting, sabotaging and toxic. I hope one day, through constantly working on myself I succeed in forming beliefs that are not counterproductive.
PS: If you can relate and often find yourself asking similar questions, I would be glad to know that I am NOT alone. Reach out, because you too are NOT alone.
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