There are seven sins according to Greek mythology. If you need a poetic refresher on what they are, please listen to “Satrangi Re'' from the movie Dil Se..Sonu Nigam’s voice, A.R. Rahman’s music, and Gulzar’s lyrics are worth revisiting. While you are at it, don’t you want to watch the Chhaiyya Chhaiyya video just one more time and wonder at its brilliance? Okay, so the bollywood-fanatic in me will move to the side now and let’s talk about why I am starting this article talking about the seven deadly sins. One emotion, which is highly underrated according to me is GUILT. If a person does not feel guilt easily, or is able to move on or let go of things without a second glance, then even the seven deadly sins would not be SINS to him, but just acts. Acts, whose consequences the doer is often indifferent to. For a person suffering with anxiety, maybe that sounds like the ideal situation, because we FEEL GUILTY FOR ALMOST EVERYTHING!
Sometimes, we end up blaming others for our mistakes. Other times we blame ourselves for others’ mistakes. But we feel guilty, no matter what the case. We feel that the weight of everything is on our shoulders - how we feel, how others feel because of us, how we react to someone, how others react to something we do, what should we do to make someone feel better, what should we not do to make someone feel better, how we would react to something someone would do, how someone would react if we do that and so on. In the study of Economics, the buyers and sellers are at an equilibrium when the price the sellers are willing to sell at equals the price the buyers are willing to buy at. If this is not the case, the economy tries to minimize its losses by choosing a point of least deadweight loss in order to achieve the best possible outcome. Similarly, we always try to find the optimal solution to MINIMIZE GUILT. Guilt ultimately is a deadweight loss in our lives, as it does not add value to anyone’s life.
Isn’t it crazy?
“Completely bonkers.”
Yes, we sometimes feel like we are crazy too.
“But, you know what? All the best people are”
Alice went down the rabbit-hole and found magic. We fall down the guilt-hole and find anxiety.
I mean, why should I feel guilty if someone who was once a good friend of mine decides to break it off with me, or if someone does not respond to me in an accepting manner, or if someone fails to sense my inner struggles? It’s things like this and a thousand other things that make me replay every single conversation I have had with any person I have ever even said as little as a “hi” to. A “hi”, that’s all it takes for me to feel guilty if the other person does not respond the way I had imagined in my head. So, just for a second, try to think of the AVALANCHE in my mind when someone says to me “I don’t want to talk to you” - directly or indirectly. The avalanche brings down all the words I had ever exchanged with that person in the form of an ice crystal. Now, after being poked by sharp popsicles (the major fights or the deepest, fondest conversations with that person) and a million tiny needles, buried beneath the weight of the ice, I go numb. This is how a panic attack starts. I have multiple sensations throughout my body, each sensation associated with a memory. But, the organ that is supposed to decide what to do next, or how to react has gone totally numb. Trembling, confused and trying to breathe, I somehow manage to make my head emerge out of the snow. I try to take a deep breath in, but there is no relief at all. The next emotion to come out is crying. Natural. I had just been hit with all the good, bad, mean, rude, polite, comforting, hurtful things the person ever said to me or did for me. Another blow and a wave of guilt hits. I start regretting every mean thing I ever did or said to this person, all the things I wanted to say and did not, for not being easy, for being at war with myself and making the other person suffer along, for not valuing the person enough, for being the reason for all the chaos. The panic attack increases, and now all that my mind needs is reassurance. Now, this depends on the other person because I am no longer in a state to support myself or pull myself out of the dark place I have fallen into. Sometimes I get the required reassurances, sometimes I get stuck in continuous avalanches, with one blow coming after the other. It’s comparatively much easier to come out of the dark place if the former happens. But if the latter happens, god knows I am begging for mercy.
The most common responses I get from people around me are “move on”, “don’t overthink it”, “let it go”, “what had to happen has happened”, “you should have thought through it before”. What they don’t know is that anxiety makes it very very very very hard for us to just let go of things and move on. Overthinking is not something we enjoy, or spend time replaying past events in our minds deliberately just because we can. This is a part of who we are. This is a part of our daily struggle. Leaving a job we got comfortable at, losing a person who we opened up to, changing our routine, meeting new people, starting a new job become very difficult for us while they may not seem like much of a big deal to many. Each change, the effort we put in to get familiar again, and having to go through the same cycle again and again is simply EXHAUSTING. A PANIC ATTACK IS EXHAUSTING. I would say it’s something similar to PTSD (post-traumatic stress order) after every panic attack. It takes us time to make sense of our surroundings and situations. It leaves you confused and your mind overthinks every second that brought us here. Whatever energy we have remaining, we try to use it to make sure this never happens again. It’s frightening - losing control of our own selves like that.
Personally, you know what’s worse? I feel guilty for having a panic attack. I feel guilty for putting myself in a situation that gave me a panic attack. I feel guilty for making my loved ones witness it and having to go through it with me. I feel guilty for all the things I end up doing or saying when I have no sense of anything at all. I feel guilty for having these helpless moments. I feel guilty for being who I am. Do you think that's fair? It doesn't seem so. I have begged for mercy from whatever higher power is watching over us because the pain gets too much to bear and I just want it to end.
Even after going through all that, if we find it in ourselves to get up and reach out to someone and try to express how it feels, it’s applaudable. All we really need then are reassurances, promises that have been and will be kept, a place to call home and someone to tell us it’s okay to feel like this and that they got us.
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