All’s Well That Ends Well? Or Not?

A great man has said that “the heart must be fooled into thinking that everything is alright “All is well” in order to get the strength to fight tough situations”. OK, Mr. Aamir Khan aka Baba Ranchhoddas Chanchad said it in the movie 3 idiots, which brilliantly shows the pressures one goes through while adulting. It was more like “Aal izz well” and there is one whole song dedicated to this theory. You are singing it in your head already, aren’t you? Isn’t it amazing that bollywood has a song for every mood, every emotion, every person, I often wonder why we don’t have live background music playing as we go about our lives. Well, as I see it this is the “fighter” way of trying to motivate ourselves to deal with twisted situations we often find ourselves in. Even if for a second, we feel strong enough to handle things without fear.

On the other hand, you know what an ostrich does when it finds itself in grave danger? Instead of running away or saving itself, it sticks its head in the sand and pretends that the dangerous situation does not exist and wishes it away. This is the “survivor” attitude and sometimes is the best way out of a situation. As the saying goes, “IGNORANCE IS BLISS”. But what about the situations where this is the worst you can do? After all, there is only an extent to which ignorance can be tolerated. 

We often ignore our own feelings, our own reactions, our own insecurities and our own needs. We try to make peace with situations that hurt us and move on for the sake of others and ourselves. But when someone hurts us, it creates a strain in the relationship; a hiccup, a sprain, a tear, a fracture. What we need to understand is WHEN to stop ignoring and start mending. This is true for relationships not just with others, but the relationship with ourselves too. Just as we would treat a physical injury - observe pain and tension, put a cast on it and take necessary precautions, we need to take care of mental strains too. We have to always be on a look-out for signs in ourselves and our loved ones for things that make them act not-like-themselves. Notice the triggers, notice the behavioral changes and what causes them. Notice what hurts, what feels better. One of the best tools is of course, listening. Listen, when others tell you about their problems and feelings. Listen to your own thoughts. Remember, there is a difference between hearing and actually listening to someone. When you hear, there is mostly a chance that the concern will pass over your head and it will be very easy for you to pretend it does not exist. But when you listen, you comprehend the issue, dig deeper, ask questions, follow-up and take corrective action. Why I say that there is an extent to which ignorance is good, is because after one point, point of saturation, the situation can only worsen. Every problem reaches its highest tolerance level, every person reaches the breaking point and so does every relationship. Emotionally too, every feeling a person feels needs an outlet beyond a level which leads to an outburst, be it anger, guilt, love or sadness.

Parents, siblings, family members, friends, teachers - mostly these are people that we look upto since childhood. They are the ones we reach out to in any case of discomfort or at least expect to be our first point of contact and respite. We spend our entire lives around them and connect to them. When we face an internal issue, it becomes difficult for us to think clearly and trust our judgement. Then we turn to our people. The problems and emotions get out of control when we observe that they too are out of our reach. They may not have the patience or time or enough mental space to be our support. They might be hearing us, but not listening to us. They might be sensing that something is bothering us and being an ostrich about it. There may be communication-comprehension gaps, which must be filled before they become so huge that things get out of hand. What happens as a consequence? You feel lonely, you withdraw from everything and everyone, you sit in your corner and try to avoid having any confrontations with yourself or anyone else. But, when you reach the breaking point and your emotions go beyond your control, you let go and you cry. You cry and cry a lot, because in that moment that’s the only thing that’s left for you to do. Handling all that pressure makes you feel drained and just want to sleep as much as you can. You have already tried to be the fighter by telling yourself that everything is fine and looking for the courage to get past it. You have also tried to be the survivor by pretending that there is nothing wrong, avoiding confrontations and living in your corner. You have done all that you can and now ignorance is no longer an option. You have to accept that there is a problem and that you cannot give up. Your people have to accept that you need help and stand by you through it all.

And when you can muster up enough courage, you ask for help. You talk to people who can put the pieces together. You let people sit with you in your corner and help them see things your way. Be it a therapist, a psychologist, a life coach or if needed even a psychiatrist. Our feelings are like an active volcano that needs to erupt once in a while and when it does, there needs to be someone ready to put out the fire. And if there is someone out there who you can trust enough to do so, I encourage you to erupt. I hope the fighters, the survivors and everyone else struggling out there can see that there is a way out. One day the active volcano will have had its share of eruptions, will be deemed as dormant and there will be peaceful silence.