“I don’t know”. Three words. Three words you know very well. Three words that are enough to annoy the person in front of you. But, these three words are the only ones that you know to be safe. You know that as long as you say these words, you are not exactly making a decision. And since, there is no decision, there will be no consequences. Not taking any decision, that’s your comfort zone. Well, isn’t that the best place to be in?
Every time I am faced with a decision in life, it feels like a sword hanging over my head. My mind starts working like a complex algorithm that is almost impossible to solve. “If”, “But”, “what if”, “no”, “yes” – these words start dancing in my mind carrying strings of the past. The craziness of the thoughts reaches a level where that decision becomes a matter of death and death. Yes, not life and death, but death and death – because that’s all you can see ahead. OVERTHINKING. People say things like you are indecisive, you are not taking their advice, that you just need to get over it and it’s not the end of the world. Little do they understand that in that moment it is the end of the world for me.
I have been battling Anxiety for the past 10 years. In these 10 years, I have been a school topper, went to the country’s top college, proved to be a great employee with opportunities others could only dream of and landed my dream job on the basis of sheer talent. On the other hand, I have been called lazy, irresponsible, a loser, a lagger and a disappointment to my family and friends. Confusing, isn’t it? Well, that’s how my life has been and I’m still trying to figure out which one’s the real me.
Anxiety makes you take each step like you are walking on a landmine and everything can blow up any second. Till you are unaware of the field layout, you continue to fear for everything to go wrong. You take your time to find the layout, study it and learn it by heart. Once you are comfortable with what’s in front of you, it becomes a cakewalk, a graceful dance. Just as you are in the middle of it, someone decides to shuffle the landmines. And, BOOM!
This is the first wave. The explosion goes off in your head the second something in your comfort zone moves or is anticipating a shift. You freeze, everything around you seems like a threat to your very being. Amidst the explosion, your ability to think and make a decision gets lost and you become paralysed with fear. A thousand thoughts come to your mind, but nothing seems to help. Nothing seems to make the situation better. You are stuck in a position where you can’t go back, nor can you move ahead. The next step, that you are expected to take soon, is going to decide your fate. All around the field, you have friends and family calling out to you. Trying to help you decide the right path. But, none of it matters because even if you want to hear them you can’t. The sound of the explosion in your mind and the following chaos is not letting their voice get to you. You feel like sharp needles and swords are coming at you. You feel like the whole field is drowning, taking you down along with itself. The pressure of the water is so much that it is causing your mind and body to not be able to fight through. You try to reach out, grab the hand of a known face, you try to communicate and tell them what’s happening. Then, it hits you. You are helpless and hopeless. You cannot hear them, nor can they hear you. Hell, you cannot even hear your own mind!
Then, the second wave hits. A wave of fear. You fear losing everyone you love, losing the right path in front of you, getting lost and never being able to come back, and worst of all, you fear being stuck in a place where there’s just you and your regrets. The fear makes you sweat, tremble and cry out with pain. So, you put in all your power and try to bring your mind to its senses. With great struggle, you achieve this for a second and in that second you take a step forward. It’s done, the decision is made. You still don’t know whether it’s the right one or not. A third wave comes in. A wave of regret. Now, this wave lasts for a short time because it will inevitably be followed by consequences. You regret taking the step, you regret all the steps you had taken so far, you regret even getting into the field. You forget all your plans, all your preparations, all your hard work. Now, all you can see on the field layout are the words “YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE!”. In that one moment, all of the self-doubt caves in and you are once again stuck in a dark place. You imagine yourself to be all alone, trying to find a way out of it and back to before you took the step. But obviously you can’t. Easier thought than done.
Now it’s time for the final wave. Consequences. Either there will be a huge blast, which will end everything as you know it or you would have missed the bomb and stepped in a safe place. If it’s the former, it will prove to be the biggest mistake or opportunity of your life and nothing will be the same again. If it’s the latter, you will find yourself to be so tired from the whole process that you will not be able to register the fact that you are safe. In this case, you decide to once again just stay there and avoid taking any more steps and going through it all once again. Unfortunately, and unknowingly, you are stuck in a never ending loop.
You know what’s the worst part in all this? It feels like you are not the one making all these choices. You cannot choose between the blast and the loop. It seems like your life is not your own. You are just there, helpless and hopeless, trying to face life as it’s being thrown at you. The people around you, no matter how close they are, fail to understand the chaos and the struggle you are going through. It makes you feel like nothing but a failure yourself. You actually just don’t know what to do, which brings us back to the very beginning, the three words - I DON’T KNOW.
Anxiety affects every aspect of your life and makes the things that are easier for others seem more and more difficult for you. It can make you question everything in your life - your beliefs, your competencies, your relationships, even your own worth. Be it your job or your relationship with your family, friends, or that special someone, anxiety can pose as an obstacle in making it a smooth ride. It overcomplicates things, makes it very difficult for you to let go of things and leaves yourself and the people around you very confused.
Now what? Are we stuck forever? The answer is NO. We need to know that it’s okay. It’s okay because everything that we go through is exhausting, it’s almost impossible to explain and sometimes reaches a point where it becomes unbearable. All we expect from others is comfort, compassion, a listening ear and reassurance that we matter.
Someone very wise once said (ok, JK Rowling said it) that “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of days if one remembers to switch on the light”. Well, I know you have forgotten where the switch is, but there are people - your friends, family, therapists - who can actually help you find it by guiding you to it. They can help you make sense of how people think, and how you interpret them and hence help you have healthier relationships. They can help you rediscover yourself and find some stability in your life. I know it’s the toughest thing for you, all you gotta do is have a little faith in them and more importantly, yourself. You have to believe that you can, and you may find the silver lining to your cloud of anxiety.
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